Lessons I Wish I Knew Before I Turned 20

I'm turning 26 in a few months. Life has been great. I'm practically living the dream I've had since I was a kid. Although there are many ups and downs, I know I'm heading to the right direction. I know, because I'm at least happy now. I can take things a bit slower just to enjoy life, build connections with people I care about, and be proud of myself.

People say I'm ambitious, being that person who always seems to have plans in life. They are not wrong. However, a lot of people don't know that I didn't have many options at times. From a humble background, I've learned to work hard for things if I really want them. That means I have to make smart choices all the time. It also means I must sacrifice a short-term pleasure in the hope that one day I'll get a more substantial pleasure. Yet, that day is nothing more than a promise that I should trust in.

I’m writing this simply to share personal key takeaways that I’ve learned in the first half of my 20s. Meaning, this piece is not meant to teach anyone about anything.

If you have a goal, make a detailed plan because big dreams without a plan are intimidating, at least to me.

I was born during the horizontal conflict in East Timor. It's a war to free that region from Indonesia. It forced my family and I to move to Kupang. Living in that small city for most of my life, the thought of one day living abroad, studying global policy, and getting international exposure is definitely a scary thought. It has been said in Indonesia, “mimpi jangan ketinggian, nanti jatuhnya sakit,” which means “don't dream too high, you'll get hurt if you fall.” I know it's not wrong in some ways. Having a dream is both a blessing and a curse. There are many people who live in “survival mode” their entire life, leaving no room for dream to grow. Some people can’t afford to fail during an attempt to pursue it. For people like me, dreams can also be a curse. However hard I try to bury it; it keeps coming back. If not bigger, the flame stays the same despite how far I run from it.

If you want to cook a fried rice for example, you need to know its recipe first. That’s also the case with your dream, goal, or target. I always find breaking down my dream into a small attainable task useful to keep me in checked. I once read a book titled The Gene: An Intimate History by Siddhartha Mukherjee. Please excuse me if I quoted him differently, because the book is at my home in Indonesia. He says, “in the sums of things, there are only things.” Often, we think about 10 too much, not realizing it's just 1 multiplied by ten – or twenty times of 0.5.

Also, I'll separate things into activities I can control and things I can't. It makes me, at least, feel good about myself. The process to realizing your dreams isn't a sprint-type of journey – or is it? It’s more like a long marathon because there are things you simply can’t rush into in life. If a dream is an intersection between preparation, opportunity, and luck; I want to believe that as long as you do meticulous preparation and a constant search for opportunities, making your dreams come true is just a matter of when. Of course, this is a simplified statement because there are tons of people who still couldn’t realize their dream after everything they’ve tried. Yet I know that the fried rice you’ve always wanted wouldn’t suddenly become fried rice if you didn’t prepare its recipe first.

Have the courage to forgive yourself and move on…

No one judges me more than I do. You know, it's not easy when the one who's being harsh on you is you. I always hold myself to certain standards. Those standards are often happened to be higher than most people I know. I think that's actually a good thing since everyone is different, and we should all follow our own paths. But it becomes a problem when one punishes oneself for being a human. When I was in my early 20s, I often punished myself with more work, more study, more time invested when all I needed was forgiveness. And working is not enjoyable anymore when you base your motivation on guilt after failures.

I used to find it hard to forgive myself for failures because it means realizing I'm still not good enough after all those sleepless nights. However, I've realized that every now and then I need to be reminded that I'm a human after all. Mistakes happen, but sometimes it's not because you're not good enough (yes, that's a big part too), but because there are so many external factors that are out of our control. Rather than punish myself, I like to consider failure a momentum to do a thorough review of my past method. To focus on the solution to move forward. There is a popular quote on the internet by Haruki Murakami that says “When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” Working is fun again after I replace my guilt with the joy to learn from failure.

Your worth isn't equal to your achievements. You are not merely a means of production.

In a world often driven by accolades and accomplishments, I believe that it's important to remember your worth as an individual goes beyond those things. Although achievements can give you a sense of fulfillment and recognition, they don't define you. Seeing yourself only through the lens of achievements can narrow your perspective and leave you feeling empty, which I often get trapped into.

It's important to break away from the notion that you're merely churning out achievements to satisfy societal expectations or your own dreams. Productivity has its place, but reducing yourself to a series of accomplishments undermines who you are. Unlike machines, you're a complex individual with subjective human qualities.

In a culture where success is often measured by external factors, detaching self-worth from achievements takes self-compassion. Your worth has little to do with how much you've accomplished or how many setbacks you've had.